How are we feeling this long-awaited new year? If I can go first, I’m tired. Of noise, of feeling depleted, of unsteadiness. I know I’m not alone in feeling like I need rest, and I need to reset. 2020 was necessarily revealing, but its vulnerability often felt heavy. There are little but life-giving things that are easily forgotten when we’re busy unpacking heavy bags. So these are some gentle reminders for the new year, from someone also in need of gentle reminding.
Relax your shoulders, unclench your jaw. Acknowledge your breaths and the space you’re taking up. Presence is powerful. There is purpose in your existence right now, as you are.
Greet yourself with grace in the morning. Anything you do that brings you to a new day is enough. That can be the goal, and really, it’s the only one that matters. Whatever went wrong the day before, whatever ways you fell short — that is inconsequential now. It only matters that you wake up the next day and try again. Drink a glass of water when you get up and be intentional about the thoughts you start your day with. What do you truly care about? Remind yourself. Your days are not the things that you need to do; your value is not your productivity. Take 15 minutes in the morning to exist outside of your work, outside of school, outside of your phone and other people’s input. You’ll find, that you still exist.
I wrote this down on a scrap piece of paper a while ago, not really thinking about it, just trying to grasp what I was feeling: “Wednesday again, the same one. Cyclical in the most mundane way possible. No sense of renewal, just continuity. No sense of growth, just relapse.”
But life’s cycles aren’t relapses. Whenever you feel like you’re in a familiar place, somewhere you’ve been before, maybe a difficult place you keep finding yourself coming back to, recognize that you have new experience and are equipped with more knowledge this time around to get through it and grow from it. Every new beginning you arrive at is a sign of what you’ve been through and what you’ve learned, and what you know better this time. There is growth in everything, in time itself, no matter how well it aligns with the image of progress or success you, or other people, had in mind. Life’s cycles aren’t relapses, they’re renewals. Embrace clean slates and second chances this year.
As challenging as it sounds, there’s no need to mourn connections that either fade or change shape, or even ones that are lost, as a result of the ways you’re growing. Your priorities change and the circle of people you keep around you changes too. Trying to salvage lost connections and force energy is holding you back from what’s meant for you. You can let people go and still keep them fondly in your heart (if appropriate, of course — sometimes people are better left removed from your mental space). You can welcome distance from a place of gratitude instead of resentment. You can recognize what you had, and appreciate the connection for what it was, but then leave it beautiful. History makes people feel comfortable, and sometimes that’s enough to keep you in each other’s lives. But when you are more defined by the history you have with someone than the ways you help each other grow, reevaluate. Maybe they taught you something, or maybe they serve as a reminder of a different time in your life, but one you’ve grown out of, and from. Either way, don’t deny yourself new beginnings, and fully embrace the timing of things, even if it’s hard and unfamiliar right now. What it was then is not meant for you now. What you felt then was for the people you were then.
Say: I’m sorry it didn’t last longer, really, I am. But I understand that peace is in an open hand — the one I’m holding tightly onto you with right now. It is taking too much of my strength, and I am straining for something already gone, so I will loosen my grip and embrace whatever comes to me next. I am making room.
I think maybe the ultimate test of self-love is giving yourself grace even when others think that’s not what you deserve. Being there for yourself when others misunderstand you, and recognizing your little victories when others don’t see what there is to celebrate. Only you know what you went through to get here, and only you get to decide what your growth looks like. I think peace comes from that realization. Your worth will never have a safe home in the opinions of other people. So when she’s badly bruised and knocking at your door — let her back in, dress her wounds, and create a home she won’t want to wander from this time. Whatever refuge you’re looking for, it’s in you already.
If you are already doing any of these things, or you’re starting to, or you’re trying to start to, you can be proud of yourself. There are good things ahead for you and you are moving toward them everyday. They only ask that you make room for them in your life.
P.S. This piece was lowkey inspired by the EP Introspection by UMI and poetry collection ‘flowers on the moon’ by Billy Chapata, two of the better things to come out of 2020. Highly recommend.
-M
